Half Way There

Lately I've been feeling a little itchy about school - restless, bored, irritated - fill in the blank and I've probably had those thoughts about it.  I start my 6th quarter Monday, in what is supposed to be a 3 year program - less than that for me because of transfer credits.  So, I'm probably about half way through my program, give or take a few classes.  I'm very close to achieving my goal of a second career (OK, fine...I've been around the block a time or two, but this is my second degree).  I should be excited instead of feeling an imminent sense of dread.  What is wrong with me?

I'm terrified.

Yes, I am scared of what awaits me at the end of this journey, and boy has it been a long one.  It might be 2 or so years of education, but I've struggled for nearly 20 years to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  Now it's finally (almost) here and I don't know what to do with myself.  What will I do once I'm no longer searching?  I will have to prove myself now that I have claimed, "this is what I want to do."  Gulp.  Maybe I should have just kept my big mouth shut.  I know...I know.

I breezed through the first 5 quarters.  Sure, there were struggles and I complained (a lot), but I am proud to say I have a "perfect" (I really hate that word) record of straight A's thus far.  Or am I?  I have always been very competitive, mainly with myself.  I can't help it, and please believe me, I do not enjoy it.  I am a perfectionist and it drives me nuts.  I find myself wishing I could just let go and be "good enough" while still enjoying other activities.

I start every quarter with the same intention:  go to the gym regularly, eat right, participate in activities outside school - stay balanced.  I hang on until midterm and then all hell breaks loose.  My drive for perfection at school causes me to lose all control and perspective in all other aspects of my life.  I seem to be able to focus on school only and my head is down, with blinders on,  until I can ultimately proclaim another quarter is over and I am that much closer to graduation.  And guess what?  I'm excited about those grades for about a day and then I start telling myself I didn't really earn them and that I could have worked harder.

But I'm still terrified.  The foundational courses are behind me and now it's time to prove myself in the studio classes.  I have to show my instructors what I can do and I feel stuck in the mud.  What if I fail?  I always thought I had a flair for this...until I started school.  We spend so much time learning what we are supposed to know that we lose sight of what made us passionate about design in the first place.  Now because I know things like color theory, I wonder if my color choices, which were always at a gut level before, are good.  I always loved color and putting the right combinations together; turns out my gut was based in many aspects of color theory but I still find myself questioning my decisions now.  Why?  I don't want to fail and I have set myself up for it...big time.  What on earth was I thinking striving for those A's?

I was doing the best I can, which I guess, earned me those grades.  But I'd really like to break the streak.  No one believes me though.  I truly hate it when people tell me I love getting A's and winning.  I'd be happy with less.  I swear.  If you could sit with me for the third day in a row in my pajamas, without a shower, manic about getting something just right, you might begin to understand how this plagues me.  I want to be different.  I want to enjoy what I am doing and stop competing with myself and just have fun.  I want to stop worrying about others approving of or liking my work.  I want to be who I know who I can be:  someone who strikes out on her own, makes great decisions and doesn't look back.  She's somewhere inside of me.  I've met her before and I'd sure like her to come out and play.  In the meantime, I'll start school on Monday and hope the cycle doesn't repeat itself.