January 1, 2015

Honest to a fault...

My sense of humor is not for everyone; it's dark and sarcastic...dry...irreverent. Many take it for negative or disrespectful, and I can't change that. The written word comes with no vocal inflection, facial expression, body language...it's wildly open to interpretation, and I understand that whenever I hit send, submit, etc. Perhaps I could change my delivery, but then I wouldn't be speaking my truth.

Writing comes easier for me because I can rant, edit, then submit (unless I'm in a real snit, then uh-oh). It's a great way to vent...get it all out on paper (ok, a screen), then delete without hurting anyone's feelings or offending someone. With the spoken word, I struggle. While I've learned to temper my thoughts, and mellowed with age, I still catch myself chasing words as they fly out of my mouth. My filter is sometimes lacking or skewed. Either that, or I'm just extremely honest...I think it, I say it...not always the best idea.

In my heart of hearts, I mean well; there is no ill-intent. But my honesty gets me in trouble every time, so I'm looking for that verbal edit button. No matter how true something may be, it does not always need to be verbalized. I'm in my mid-forties, and I still need to be reminded of this. I sure learn a lot, I'll tell you that. Sometimes I don't even remember or realize what I've said. It's just part of a conversation and no one reacts, but then it comes back to me and I am once again kicking myself.

I just deleted an entire paragraph that came across as incredibly self-righteous to me. Why can't I do that before I speak? Lawyers probably own the market on this one: "Move to strike, your honor!" Of course they know what they're doing. You can delete the words from the written record, but the jury still heard them...they've still been influenced. If only this tactic worked the moment I realize I've put my foot in my mouth, "move to strike!"

So how can I refocus and use my gift of gab in a more positive manner? Slow down, run it through in my mind before I say it so I can edit (or even delete). I'm a smart gal, I oughta be able to figure this out. We're continuously growing and learning, so I keep refining, and sooner or later I'll get it right. Just know in the meantime, I'm really not trying to piss you off.

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